The Cullens
by sweet.afterlight
Summary: A series of humourous oneshots about the Cullen family. Short and fluffly, for the most part. Review, please!
1. Carlisle

**CARLISLE**

**Note: **This is the first of a series of humorous oneshots about the Cullen family. Hope you all enoy! Reviewers will get big fat cookies!

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**That Doctor**

"Lydia?"

"Yeah, Shirley?"

"Who on earth's that doctor over there?"

**tense pause**

"Which doctor?"

"What do you mean, 'which doctor'?! _That_ doctor!"

"Shirley, this may shock you, but there's more than one doctor in working in this hospital."

"I have a degree in chemistry. I'm not an idiot, Lydia!"

"Then don't act like one!"

"I'm not- Wait! Look! There he is! The one carrying the syringe!"

"Ohhh, you mean _that_ doctor…"

**another tense pause**

"Who is he?"

"That's Dr. Cullen. Shirley, honey, he's _way _out of your league."

"Hey!"

"Well, it's true. He never even _looks_ at any of us nurses."

"Why not?"

"Firstly, he's married. Secondly, he's married. Thirdly, he's married. And fourthly, he's amazingly, completely, totally, utterly and stupendously gorgeous. Do you really expect for him to even give us a second glance?"

**sigh**

"It's not like we're ugly…"

"Shirley, I told you, that's not the reason!"

"I mean, maybe if I cut my uniform shorter and wore fishnet knee-highs…maybe some more makeup…some of those bunny ears I got for Halloween…"

"Shirley! _He won't notice you!_"

"How do you know? Have you tried wearing bunny ears?!"

**awkward silence**

"Ohmygod, Lydia! You have!"

"No! No of course I haven't! No way would I be that desperate!"

"You're blushing! Lydia, you're blushing!"

"Am not!"

"Lydia loves Dr. Cullen, Lydia loves Dr. Cullen…"

"Shut up! Look, he's coming towards us!"

**Yet another tense pause**

"Damn, he walked right past us."

"He going to meet his kids."

"He has _kids_?!"

"Sure. He has three sons."

"_Sons?!_"

"Uh huh. If you're quick you might get a glimpse of them."

**frantically running footsteps**

**Curious**

"Um…excuse me…Carlisle, are you busy?"

"Why hello, Emmett. No of course I'm not busy. How are you?"

"I'm okay, thank you."

"Not having any trouble keeping away from humans? I know how difficult it was after I was transformed."

"It's hard, but being with Rosalie helps. Calms me down, y'know?"

"Yes, I know. I feel the same way about Esme."

"Right, yeah…are you sure I'm not disturbing anything, Carlisle?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Oh, good. I just thought you might be…sleeping."

"Emmett, vampires don't sleep."

"Yeah, I know, Rosalie explained all that. It's just…"

**silence**

"Just…what?"

"Well, I saw you lying in on the sofa when I came down a few minutes ago."

**second silence**

"I didn't hear you coming down."

"I know, I was quiet."

"Ah…well, Emmett, I wasn't sleeping…I was, erm, spending _quality time _with Esme."

"_Oh._"

**yet another silence**

"I hope that doesn't…disturb you, Emmett."

"Nah, not at all…I mean you're married…so of course you're gonna do…you know…_it_."

"Quite right."

"So, vampires can, you know…"

"Yes, I know. And yes, they can."

"Oh. Okay. Right."

"Right."

**door opens**

"Oh! Well, hello, Esme!"

"Hi Emmett! Hello, Carlisle! What were you talking about?"

"Nothing!"

"Not much, dear."

**pause**

"I'd better go…bye Esme. Uh…thanks Carlisle."

"You're welcome, Emmett."

"Goodbye then, dear."

**hurried footsteps leave the room**

"Carlisle, dearest, what was that all about?"

"Emmett was…curious."


	2. Esme

**ESME**

**Note: **Sorry for the mega-super-long wait. The reviews will be replied to, and more will be posted. Sorry again, and review if you want more!

**Cookies and Metaphors**

"Esme dear?"

"Yes, Car?"

"What in heaven's name are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?!"

"Erm…well now…"

"Baking cookies, of course!"

"Oh, umm, right. Well, I hate to be the one to break this to you darling, but-"

"I know, I know. They'll taste like dust to us. Don't be silly, of course I know."

"Then why…?"

"I can still enjoy the smell."

"The smell?"

"Yes, Carlisle, the _smell_. Don't you love the smell of freshly baked cookies?"

"Well, umm, I suppose…"

"Of course you do! Everyone loves it."

**confused silence**

"You really won't be able to eat them, Esme."

"Yes dear, I know! So what?"

"So, I don't really understand the point."

"The point!? The _point_! There is no point to baking cookies! I know I can't eat them, they'll taste like dirt and dust and I'm wasting my time, but I _need _to make them! I need to be a mother again!"

**shocked silence**

"Oh… Esme, darling, you have Edward."

"I know, and he's wonderful. But he doesn't want my cookies any more than you do! No one needs me anymore!"

**pause**

"This really isn't about the cookies, is it?"

"No. No, it's not."

**pause number two**

"Well, darling, you'd better get back to your baking."

"Why? You were right, there's no point. I'll just throw them away-"

"No! I'll…I'll eat them!"

"What? Car, they'll taste horrible!"

"Not if _you_ bake them, they won't."

"But you said there was no point!"

"Well, I've changed my mind. I'm in the mood for some freshly-baked cookies."

"But Carlisle!"

"No buts! I want cookies, woman, so you'd better get baking."

"Oh! Well, if you really want them…"

"I don't just want them, I _need_ them. Now. So get going!"

"Yes, of course! I'll start now!"

"Good! Call me when they're ready."

**footsteps**

"Carlisle, wait!"

"What is it, darling?"

"I love you, you know."

"Yes, my dear, I know. I know, and I understand. Now get cooking!"


End file.
